In Praise of Celibacy

When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less." Perhaps that sentence might be appropriate for the Alice in Wonderland world of the Church of England, in which words can take on a particular significance as banner-words for one group, whilst the next group is either untouched by them or else uses the words in a very different way. No more is this the case than in the vexed discussion over human sexuality. In fact the use of words so varies in meaning that, much of the time, no discussion really takes place at all. I think, for example, of a speech in General Synod, in which the speaker said that amongst his penitents he regularly heard the confessions of some twenty priests, all of whom were in same-sex relationships and all of whom lived in chastity. His words made the point that there is a number of gay clergy in relationships, but his words must have brought a degree of comfort to more conservative members of Synod, who would have heard him say that nothing ‘naughty’ was going on. Yet my definition of chastity is one I picked up from Jack Dominian, that noted Roman Catholic writer on human relationships and sexuality. In this definition of chastity, its meaning is to do with sexually integrity. All Christians are called to live in a state of chastity. Such chastity is to do with the quality of our relationships, whether they are creative, life-sustaining and person-making. So what I heard that speaker say was that all twenty of his penitents was living in a good sexual relationship, which was a blessing to them. How that sexuality was expressed could not be deduced from what the speaker said, but why would we want to know how two people express their love for each other in the privacy of their own home?

A different word, which for me has some very different meanings, is celibacy. What I mean by the world is a world apart from what many seem to mean in the heated discussion of our time. I want to write in praise of celibacy, for celibacy is a Christian vocation which has long been part of our tradition. I am not celibate, but my understanding of this word has come through the comments of two people. The first was an English priest, working in America, who perhaps said more than he ought to have done in talking of his work as confessor to a convent of nuns. He had met one or two celibates among the nuns, who had been such glorious people that it made celibacy something to be admired. However, most of those in the convent were not celibates, but women hiding from their sexuality. How I interpret this perspective, again assisted by the writings of Jack Dominian, is that celibacy is both a gift and a vocation. Far from a denial of sexuality, it is about a wholeness of sexuality in which the person concerned is released from the commitment of intimacy with one person and is therefore open to non-physical relationships with many people. Few people in the convent, in the view of this confessor, actually lived such vibrant, integrated and fulfilled lives.

The other comment was a speech, again in General Synod, in which the speaker (a nun) said that celibacy is a glorious vocation, but that forced celibacy withers the heart. There is here a sharp contrast between a glorious vocation, which is what I want to praise, and the business of heart-withering that is being so rigorously pursued by the Church of England at this time. Enforced celibacy is not celibacy at all, but a power-game in which any expression of sexuality which does not fit in with our idea of the 'norm' is suppressed. We ought to support those called to a single life, but what on earth are we doing engaging in enforced celibacy? What kind of priesthood do we expect people to exercise if, as part of the process of ordination, we seek to wither their hearts?

All I seek to do in this posting is to share what the word celibacy means to me. It is possible to say that two people are in a partnered-relationship and are celibate, as for example in a sham marriage, perhaps to qualify for citizenship. But I have no idea what it means to say that someone is partnered, yet also celibate. If you are in an emotional and committed relationship with someone else, you are not celebrate. Celibacy is about the whole person, not just what you do with your reproductive organs. And human sexuality needs to be seen in terms of the very core of what it means to be a human being, not just an impoverished view that reduces our being down to a single sexual act.

Perhaps we need to be more ready to celebrate giftedness and less strident in both condemning others and seeking to control their lives. Celibacy should be celebrated as both gift and vocation, without using it as a tool of power to suppress the joy of others. A holistic view of sexuality will lead us to celebrate with those whose lives are already blessed by God in their mutual self-giving. And what God has blessed, who are we to condemn?